Tim sent me a link to a message board on jsonline.com which is pretty funny. A guy who named himself “Fruitin up the town” put together a list of Ben Sheets’ injuries since 2001. Yes, it’s a funny list, but honestly. Ben Sheets never has a baseball sounding injury. He gets crap like a paper cut on his toe. How does that affect him playing baseball? Sorry for the crudeness, but that’s part of what makes it funny.

Ben Sheets has missed games due to the following “injuries”:

2001:
Dysentery
Clamidia
Athlete’s Foot

2002:
Bad Haircut (caused him to throw off-balance)
Halitosis
Loose, watery, and frequent stool

2003:
Jock itch
Paper cut to back of non-throwing hand
Fecal Incontinence

2004:
Chapped lips
Itchy anus (30 day DL)
Boner lasting longer than 4 hours

2005:
Hiccups
Bruised nuts after falling off exercise bike
Bit by chicken

2006:
Bad haircut (15 day DL)
Tummy ache

2007:
Blister on finger
Bee sting (15 day DL)
Diarrhea

I gotta say, I’m with her on this one…

“Is it just me or does it look like Prince Charles is going for a boobie grab here???”

The Prince of Wales, Colonel-in-Chief (left), gestures during a presentation of medals to 9 Regiment, Army Air Corps at Clarence House, London on Wednesday July 11, 2007. Prince Charles handed over service medals to soldiers who fought in Afghanistan. (AP Photo/ John Stillwell ,pool )

UPDATE: Tim has informed me that the PC Load Letter printer is now gone. Let’s all take a moment to remember the printer and the good laughs that it gave us back in 2006.

********************************************

Tim found the motherload today at work and managed to coordinate the flashing words and take a picture of this on his printer at work.

(I couldn’t see it at first–you might have to up the brightness on your computer, that worked for me).

If you don’t get it, then you need to go out and see Office Space… NOW!

Really? A dart gun? Who has a dart gun in their car??

Cats Invade Neb. House, 3 Injured

NORTH PLATTE, Neb. (AP) - Two stray cats got into a house and attacked three people inside, then were euthanized and checked for rabies, authorities said.

The cats entered Melissa Breva’s house through an open front door on Monday, and attacked two women visitors and a boy, authorities said.

“I thought I had seen it all, but I have never seen anything like this,” Chief of Police Martin Gutschenritter said.

Animal control officer John Pettit responded to a call for help, Gutschenritter said.

One woman was scratched and bitten on her legs; the other woman was bitten on her right calf, authorities said.

After talking to them, Pettit went to his truck for snares, then heard screaming from inside the house.

“When he ran back, he saw a young male with blood over his face,” Gutschenritter said. “He was bitten on his forehead, nose, left ear and right cheek.”
After some first aid from Pettit, the three were taken to Great Plains Regional Medical Center.

When investigator John Stadler arrived and opened the bedroom door, “he saw a gray and white cat baring its teeth in attack mode,” Gutschenritter said. “He shut the bedroom door and returned to his car for a dart gun.”

Both cats were shot, tranquilized and taken to the animal shelter, where they were euthanized.

The bodies were sent to Lincoln for rabies checks, Gutschenritter said.

Authorities want to find out who owned the cats. Under a city ordinance, cats may run free if they don’t become nuisances.

I think I’m beginning to see why college pricing was a “steal” back when I was in school compared to now. It goes all the way down to pricing in the bookstore. Check out this wild sale they have going on right now (you have to look closely at the pricing)…

I came across this site today which lists a bunch of funny team names (including links to their respective sites). I’m listing the names below, but if you want the links, go to his site. The guy must be from Wisconsin or just obsessed with Wisconsin, because I see a lot of references to our state on here.

What’s your favorite?

From our friend, Heraldblog…

‘Virgin Mary’ Seen In Texas Grocery Store Freezer
(CBS) MORTON, Texas We’ve seen the image of “Jesus” on toast. Even the “Virgin Mary” on a tree.

But folks in the small West Texas town of Morton say they’ve seen the “Holy Mother” made of ice inside a freezer at the local grocery store.

It started as one drip from the ceiling of a freezer at Morton Thrifty Foods grocery store. Now it has become quite the sanctuary for a lot of Catholic believers.

“I wanted to cry when I saw it,” said Stephan Santos, who was visiting the ice formation. “My mom has all saints in her house. But this one just got to me.”

Store employee Alma Avalos first spotted the formation in the back freezer of her store, noticing what had been a few drops of water from the ceiling that had frozen.

“I went in there, and it started forming like some kind of ice, and then Friday I went in there, and it was shaped like that,” Avalos said.

As more and more people heard about the “Virgin Mary,” they started coming in droves to see her, and the grocery store moved her into a freezer in the frozen foods section.

Some have had their prayers answered after visiting the ice statue.

“I had a lump in my breast, and yesterday, when I went home, it disappeared. I don’t have it no more,” said one woman.

“I don’t have it no more.”

Yikes.

When do you think this will show up on ebay?

I was trying to think of good phrases today to describe something being slow (and all I could come up with was “slower than Bonnie running to 1st base”… sorry Bonnie), which prompted me to do a google search for “is slower than a” to see what would come up. Some funny people out there and some people where I wonder what their logic is.

• is slower than a quadriplegic gopher crawling through glue
• my dell is slower than a commodore 64
• is slower than a snail
• is slower than a dead snail
• is slower than a dead snail hibernating
• is slower than a comatose snail
• is slower than a Chinese snail race (what does Chinese have to do with it?)
• is slower than a Japanese TV drama (bunch of racists)
• is slower than a dead Llama
• is slower than a Charlie Hough knuckleball
• is slower than a wet Sunday in Wales (I don’t get it)
• is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter (Stampeding makes me think they are moving quickly)
• is slower than a flaming pickle in a snow storm (What??)
• is slower than a retard drowning in molasses
• is slower than a pregnant woman running to first base sometimes
• is slower than a grandma at a green light
• is slower than a constipated 90yr old man
• is slower than a hillbilly reading Dr. Seuss
• is slower than a chimp at an astrophysics session
• is slower than a retarded Grandma on pain killers
• is slower than a sack of potatoes (When is a sack of potatoes slow OR fast?)

Add yours to the comments below.

A friend of mine forwarded me an email that they received from another friend of theirs, and I just had to post it. Doesn’t this sound vaguely familiar to Frank the Tank in Old School? And I have confirmed that the writer of this email wasn’t joking nor was he quoting Old School. (Names and locations have been changed to protect the Frank-impostor)

We’re getting up pretty early on Saturday, and kind of have a nice little
day planned out. We’re going to WalMart or Kohls to get a few gifts, and we
might go to a few other places but I’m not sure if we’ll have enough time
since we’re going back to decorate my Christmas tree at home and then later
going to see a musical at the Baraboo Theatre Company early Saturday night.

What?!?!

This deserves a repost–originally posted June 17, 2004… obviously some things are outdated

For those of you that may not know, I live in downtown Milwaukee, so parking is usually a very competitive thing. The visual for tonight though, takes the cake.

I come home, and see this in one of the spots outside of my apartment. Every other spot on the street is filled, yet “Bad Santa” is holding a spot for someone. Complete with a black eye and a gun shot in his hand, Santa is obviously making someone’s parking wishes come true tonight. Gotta love the creativity on this one.

UPDATE:
It was just brought to my attention that the movie, Bad Santa, comes out on DVD this Tuesday. A pretty profane movie, but it has some good laughs if you want to check it out. Maybe this is just another advertisement from Dimension Films to help promote the release…

I saw a commercial today for an Art Garfunkel concert and I realized there is a crazy resemblence to another musician I am fond of. You be the judge.

Art Garfunkel	Pat McCurdy

Art and Pat McCurdy–long lost brothers?

I saw on a the news tonight a story about a farm up in Green Bay where they have fainting goats. Check out a video of these goats here:

Fainting Goats

I can’t lie. I laughed when I first saw this video. The one that the news showed was a goat coming out of a “goat house” and fell out STIFF. Then, the more I saw it, I started to feel bad for laughing.

Apparently, these myotonic goats refer to a breed characteristic known as myotonia congenita, a condition in which the muscle cells experience prolonged contraction when the goat is startled. The transitory stiffness associated with these contractions can cause the goat to fall down. This is not a true faint, but a muscular phenomenon unrelated to the nervous system. The degree of stiffness varies from goat to goat, with some showing a consistently stiff response and others exhibiting stiffness only rarely.

Anyway, it doesn’t look like it harms the goats… so laughing is appropriate.

A while ago, I did a posting called “Tara Wants…” where all you do is google “Tara wants” and see what comes up. Well, someone started doing names with “is” on the back of it today, so I thought I’d post the top 10 things that come up in google when I write “Tara is.” Feel free to add your top 10 in the comments section.

1. Tara is actually the generic name for a set of Bodhisattvas of similar aspect.
Set of Bodhisattvas? There’s nothing generic about that. I think…

2. Tara is the “Mother Earth”, and a fierce goddess who overcomes obstacles, and saves us from physical and spiritual danger.
You hear that? GODDESS

3. Tara is represented as a mature woman, full-breasted and wise.
Ha… full-breasted….

4. Tara is a member of several professional organizations including the Footcare Nurse Alliance of North America.
So? It was a weird fetish I had in college…

5. Tara is the whole Orgy
This one was on youtube… which scares me a tish

6. Tara is a school of Irish dance dedicated to to the presentation of traditional Irish dancing, music and song.
That one is for you, Greg

7. Tara is the nation’s ultimate destination for deer, turkey and quail hunting .
How am I a destination for that? Do you get good hunting if you do it on me or something?

8. Tara is reminding me in many ways that maybe my memory is a little foggy.
I don’t remember doing that…

9. Tara is welcoming and lively.
It’s part of the personality

10. Tara is Quite a Geek.
That just says it all…

Now, I’m a big sports fan. And maybe it’s the traditionalist in me, but I’m not sure I would ever let my husband do this…

Parents name baby after ESPN, Joe Montana
But D’Iberville baby isn’t alone — 3 were named after network last year

BILOXI, Miss. - Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.

Rusty Real, of D’Iberville, chose ESPN (pronounced Espen) after the sports network and Montana after football legend Joe Montana.

Baby ESPN isn’t alone.
Three others were cited in a 2005 report on tivocommunity.com about the network’s 25th anniversary. They are Espn Malachi McCall in Pampa, Texas; Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, Texas; and Espn Blondeel in Michigan.

“We were the talk of the hospital,” Rusty Real said. “The nurses kept asking my wife if she was really going to let her husband name him ESPN. She said, ‘Oh, yes.’”

That’s REAL messed up…

So, I was dinking around the internet today when I came across a blog of a dude that sounds like he might be funny (mainly because he wrote a book called “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell“). I took a look at his website, www.tuckermax.com, and he basically sounds like Aaron Karo, but he’s much more profane.

Regardless, I found this post that I got a good laugh out of, and I thought I’d share… (I did the censoring…)

The funniest email ever
I get a lot of weird email/messages/correspondence, but this one truly made me lose it:

“This Coors Light Cooler Box sucks! This f’n piece of s just broke all over my couch while I was trolling this site and watching the Pistons beating the s out of the Pacers. Now I have swimmers dick from sitting on a cold towel. Does anyone else have problems with it? Did I get a lemon? Because I like the idea of a disposable cooler that comes with shitty beer on the cheap.”

I cannot stop laughing at this. I am sitting in my living room with my two roommates, who have known me for ten years, staring at me because I am laughing as hard as they have ever seen me laugh. There is so much comedy here:

1. Why does the dude have a cooler in his living room? Why not just use the fridge? Where does he live that he has to walk that far the fridge? Does he not have a fridge? Does he not have electricity? What the f?

2. Why is the cooler ON his sofa? Why not on the floor?

3. Is it that hard to just buy a normal cooler? The styrofoam ones are like $3.

4. Why does he keep sitting on the wet spot? Why not move? Does he not have any other furniture? Is he just THAT determined to stay in that one spot, regardless of the consequences to his balls?

5. Why is the whole sofa wet? Did it bust open like a New Orleans levee, immediately flooding the sofa, or was this a slow process? How did it soak through the sofa without him feeling it until the entire thing was drenched? How do you not notice a wet sofa?

6. Can you picture his reaction when it broke on his lap? Jumping up and screaming curse words, cold water spilling everywhere, screaming about how cheap the cooler is that CAME WITH THE BEER! Priceless.

7. Seriously, how is this a shock? How does it come as some absurd and unreal shock to him that this PLASTIC LINED CARDBOARD cooler that CAME WITH THE BEER is going to be sub par?

8. I love how he throws in that thing about wanting this to be real, “Did I get a lemon?” Does he have such high hopes pinned on this product that he is willing to give it another shot? Yes sir, you did a lemon. Most of their cardboard-plasticoat fabricated beer boxes are built like brick shit-houses. In fact, in South America they pack ‘em full of dry ice and transport organs in them.

9. So what happens if it is a lemon? His faith in the consumer products of crappy beer companies is shot? He becomes a jaded Heineken drinker? It’s this same mentality that causes people to get their hearts broken by sea monkeys when they’re kids, and the Carleton Sheets real estate course when they’re adults. “THESE SEA MONKEYS LOOK LIKE BRINE SHRIMP!!! HOLY SHIT!!! SOMEONE SWITCHED THE REAL SEA MONKEYS WITH BRINE SHRIMP!!!”.

10. I mean, come on…look at the level of discourse this guy is at. I don’t know, I guess when you grow up with these rednecks, this s is just that much funnier. I mean, the seriousness with which he approaches this subject kills me.

11. Who drinks Coors voluntarily?