I was trying to think of good phrases today to describe something being slow (and all I could come up with was “slower than Bonnie running to 1st base”… sorry Bonnie), which prompted me to do a google search for “is slower than a” to see what would come up. Some funny people out there and some people where I wonder what their logic is.

• is slower than a quadriplegic gopher crawling through glue
• my dell is slower than a commodore 64
• is slower than a snail
• is slower than a dead snail
• is slower than a dead snail hibernating
• is slower than a comatose snail
• is slower than a Chinese snail race (what does Chinese have to do with it?)
• is slower than a Japanese TV drama (bunch of racists)
• is slower than a dead Llama
• is slower than a Charlie Hough knuckleball
• is slower than a wet Sunday in Wales (I don’t get it)
• is slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter (Stampeding makes me think they are moving quickly)
• is slower than a flaming pickle in a snow storm (What??)
• is slower than a retard drowning in molasses
• is slower than a pregnant woman running to first base sometimes
• is slower than a grandma at a green light
• is slower than a constipated 90yr old man
• is slower than a hillbilly reading Dr. Seuss
• is slower than a chimp at an astrophysics session
• is slower than a retarded Grandma on pain killers
• is slower than a sack of potatoes (When is a sack of potatoes slow OR fast?)

Add yours to the comments below.