Since Heraldblog persistently requested that I post about this, I decided to give in and share this article with you fine folks:

Put what where? 2,000 years of bizarre sex advice

Basically, the article talks about some of the weird advice that so called “experts” have given for decades. Here are some of the interesting ones…

Wisdom of the ancients

How to pull
“Pick the woman’s worst feature and then make it appear desirable. Tell an older woman that she looks young. Tell an ugly woman that she looks ‘fascinating’.” Philaenis, papyrus sex manual (2BC)

Papyrus sex manual? Hell, this should just be common sense. Translation: Everyone likes to be complimented. So men, go with Tim’s route of picking up girls at the bar at 1:00 in the morning–compliment the girl with the missing teeth on what a pretty smile she has. Guaranteed makeout.

Buns and corsets cause nymphomania
“Constricting the waist by corsets prevents the return of blood to the heart, overloads sexual organs and causes unnatural excitement of the sexual system. The majority of women follow the goddess Fashion and so also wear their hair in a heavy knot. This great pressure on their small brains produces great heat and chronic inflammation of their sexual organs. It is almost impossible that such women should lead other than a life of sexual excess.” Dr John Cowan, The Science of a New Life (1888)

This is just a man’s excuse for why women should sleep with them. “The majority of women follow the ‘goddess fashion’?” Give me a break. When I wear my hair in a ‘heavy knot,’ that means I haven’t washed my hair or are being just plain lazy. Has nothing to do with being a ‘Goddess of fashion.’ Quite the opposite, actually.

On the other hand . . .
“The majority of women (happily for them) are not very much troubled with sexual feelings of any kind.” Dr William Acton, Functions and Disorders of the Reproductive Organs (1858)

Anyone sense the bitterness in this guy?

Indian enlargement
“Rub your penis with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, rub it with the bristles as before. Swelling will be gradually produced. Then lie on a hammock with a hole in it and hang the penis through the hole. Take away the pain from the swelling by using cool concoctions. The swelling lasts for life.” Kamasutra, translated by Sir Richard Burton and F. F. “Bunny” Arbuthnot (1883)

Tim, why don’t you try this out and let my readers know how it goes.

How often?
“The ordinary man can safely indulge about four times a month. More than that would be excess for a large majority of civilised men and women.” Lyman B. Sperry, Confidential Talks with Husband and Wife: a Book of Information and Advice for the Married and Marriageable (1900)

Ha! This ‘Lyman’ dude must have pissed off a LOT of guys and given a LOT of women a good excuse…

Never marry these women
“Redheads. Any girl named after a mountain, a tree, a river or a bird. Ones with rough hands or feet. Ones who sigh, laugh or cry at meals. Any girl with inverted nipples, a beard, uneven breasts, flap ears, spindle legs or who is scrawny. Girls whose big toes are disproportionately small. Girls who make the ground shake when they walk past.” Koka Shastra, The Indian Scripture of Koka (12th century)

This just made me laugh. You know what Tara means? “Rocky hill.” See mom, that’s why I’m not married. Guys won’t marry a girl named after a mountain. That’s about as plain and simple as it comes.

And… once again, this guy goes back to a previous article that I wrote about calling someone fat. Just come out and say it. ‘Girls who make the ground shake when they walk past’ is beating around the bush a little bit.

But whatever you do …
“Never fool around sexually with a vacuum cleaner.” Dr Alex Comfort, The Joy of Sex (1972)

Wise information for everyone.